Stealth Tactics of Abuse - The Jargon and Why it's Critical to a Domestic Violence Victim's Recovery...by Betty Laluna

Many of us have an image in our mind of what constitutes domestic violence.  We erroneously assume that physical violence or blatant forms of verbal abuse are the key indicators which is generally the reason most victims I've communicated with shared they missed the red flags.  It is difficult at best for a victim of stealth forms of abuse to articulate exactly where and how the abuse began. Emotional/psychological abusers don't always leave bruises - with emotional/psychological abuse the injury takes place in the mind.  Oftentimes victims of this form of abuse find themselves at a handicap articulating the harm that was done.  Sometimes it is the stealth campaign of abuse that serves as a precursor to physical harm.  Even if you are not a victim/survivor of domestic violence, I encourage everyone to learn about the various subtle forms of abuse as it may someday serve as a tool to prevent harm of oneself and/or a loved one who may fall prey.  It is especially important that we reach out to our youth as well who may also be unaware.  Education is the best prevention.  In my personal journey, I was shocked in hindsight at how much I didn't know and how easily anyone could be duped.

In my case, the individual I was involved with NEVER laid a finger on me, nor could I lay claim to having been subjected to blatant verbal abuse.  Oddly enough, this individual presented as a 'victim'.  He's what most would call a manipulator.  I was led to believe he was a pretty easy going guy and for some reason the rest of the world could not, or did not understand him.  I recognize this had more to do with developing a pattern of people pleasing and sadly I find many of us struggle with that affliction.  In my personal experience, the first sign was the "SOB" story.  Maya Angelou delivered the famous quote:  "People will tell you who they are if you listen."  LEARN to listen. If you feel a bit of unease or a little voice in the back of your head is nagging at you in the early stages of courting...listen to it.  Experience has shown very few 'normal' people have a trail of 'crazy' people in their past.  If Romeo or Juliet is sharing tales of 'everyone' in their past being 'crazy' pause for a moment, do the math and ask yourself:  "What is the common denominator in these scenarios?"

Ultimately Domestic Violence whether it is physical or emotional/psychological is a relationship based upon the abuser's need to feel in control.

Out of the Fog an online community has published an article entitled:  Top 100 Traits of Personality Disordered Individuals.  It is important to note that not everyone who abuses is personality disordered; however the resource was a useful tool for beginning to identify and articulate the source of my distress.   While I did not join their online community, I did gain a lot of insight and once I had the terminology, it allowed me to process what led me to experience an unofficially diagnosed but very apparent episode of C-PTSD.  Prior to that I was in such a state of distress, I could not even begin to explain why I was in such poor psychological health.  It was trauma and all I had to offer was:  "He had a virtual affair on Facebook" but, it was much more than that, I just did not have the words to express exactly what was done so I ended up looking like I was 'crazy'.  Psychological abusers can and will make you crazy if you are unaware.

If you or someone you care about is in a relationship which has the potential to escalate or has resulted in physical and/or emotional harm, it is imperative that a competent licensed mental health professional is consulted, not only for help with healing but also for getting to the root cause of what led to the vulnerability in the first place.  While I wholeheartedly agree that victims are targeted, sometimes there are patterns in place which create conditions which makes one prime for this type of exploitation.  Not all therapists are equal; however, once an individual is able to identify exactly what was done and how it transpired, they are in a better position to be co-pilots in their recovery.  In my case because I was at such a loss for words, the therapists I saw early on having no point of reference as to my baseline for 'normal' almost misdiagnosed as bi-polar when in fact my stress reaction was more indicative of trauma.  While bi-polar can be co-morbid with trauma, it is important that an accurate diagnosis is made because the treatment for each condition is different.  Since I could not put into words what happened slowly over time, all they saw was a severely 'disturbed' middle aged woman torn and tattered simply because..."some dude cheated on her."   To them it appeared as some 'insignificant' flirtation on Facebook.  My reaction was over the top and extreme given the circumstances.  The missing link was I could not articulate.  The only 'tangible' evidence I could identify and express was the virtual affair.  It was a mess.

There are a plethora of therapeutic methodologies regardless of an individual's diagnosis; however, another point worth considering is that I have also found that in a state of extreme stress, many are so desperate to get away from the pain, they commit to being treated by the first therapist they find has an open slot.  While initially it may feel like a relief to find someone...anyone to talk to, in the long run this might not be in the individual's best interest.  Therapists come with a wide range of skills, beliefs and understanding.  It is important you feel comfortable with who is treating you and that you are informed about their approach and experience in treating what you suspect may be your personal 'crisis' challenge.  I recommend perusing the website: Goodtherapy.org.  You owe it to yourself to be well-informed on the basic expectations  you have a right to require in any professional you choose to help you along in your personal journey.  I cannot stress enough how important it is that the therapist is a good fit.  It very well may turn out initially to be a process of trial and error but do not give up.

My final word of caution...while many online who engage in peer support have good intentions, do not rely solely on the advice and opinions of information you find on the Internet. It is imperative if you are in crisis, that you learn how to best advocate for yourself, taking bits and pieces of what applies and sometimes electing to leave the rest.

When we're speaking of recovery from Domestic Violence, one size does not fit all.

All the best to you on your journey.


For more insight on C-PTSD see:
Effective Treatment for C-PTSD and Early Attachment (PDF)

Of additional interest:
The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma