First off, there seems to be an unwritten code somewhere that somehow "Cheating" is okay if you're not married. It's just one of those things that 'just happens', society accepts this. We are expected to assume men just trip and fall into vaginas on a daily basis or women accidentally land on a penis. I disagree. Cheating is a well thought out and systematic intentional betrayal. It's got nothing to do with marriage licenses but rather a weakness in character and sometimes a personality disorder. I am not suggesting that one who has strayed should be tarred and feathered; however, I think too many accept this 'character flaw' as just something that happens without fully recognizing the implications and the harm that is done. Cheating becomes a betrayal of trust, it creates a scar and an indelible memory for the one who has been betrayed. It becomes a psychological wound. Thirty years ago, the worst that could happen if someone cheated with the 'wrong' person was you got herpes. Today it's a potential death sentence. AIDS can kill. It is not something to take lightly.
First let me start by acknowledging women cheat too; however, there is a saturation of messages out there excusing men when they engage in cheating, it's seen as Macho and a validation of their testosterone levels. It’s about time we started calling a spade a spade. Simply put there is NO excuse for cheating, I don’t want to hear about male insatiable sex drives and how penises just somehow take over and lead men to places they didn’t want to go. If a male penis has that much power, control and ability then you owe it to yourself to order Mr. Johnson go get a job. I don’t want to hear men are ‘hunters’ I ain’t seen a dude go out there and skin a buffalo for my meals yet! It’s all hype, its a misogynistic message promoted by men to brainwash us as women to accept crumbs. It’s the musings of little boys, not leaders and certainly not “kings”. Such bantering of misinformation makes the good men look like crap and it’s just plain MALARKEY. If they really wanted to be seen as men they'd admit this and then we can at least respect them for their honesty.
LADIES (and gentlemen)…people who cheat are FULL OF IT…plain and simple. We need to stop forgiving the misbehavior because it’s abusive and disrespectful and it’s putting lives at risk. There are a ton of magazines out there and relationship gurus trying to help people with relationship problems, and they’re weaving baskets of hope and illusion and it’s not right. It's plain unethical. The media has women believing they are up and okay for the regular “Booty Call’ AS IF they’re independent and are calling the shots…NEWSFLASH: You’re not and you’re being played the fool and your body is being used as a vessel for some chumps masturbation…a dude too cheap to buy his own blow up doll. That would at least be acting responsibly…we could even call it being accountable. See, we have this bonding chemical called Oxytocin…the minute that rod makes contact…we’re screwed and not just literally, biologically…WE BOND. Let’s not play naive here let’s be honest: What is the difference between a friend that does something deplorable and a partner? You’re sleeping with ONE of them. I opine forgiveness is nice Joan of Arc was an inspirational story, a martyr burned at the stake, it’s what all good tragic stories are made of, but just because you delude yourself into thinking you’ll forgive, it doesn’t mean you’ll forget and at the end of the day is it even worth the trouble? There is alimony and child support, short of that, you stick around, you’ll still have to sleep with him (if you're married) and feel like doo-doo afterwards because, you’ve been betrayed and it messes with your spirit. Trust me, “Homie” is not sitting there tortured, in fact he’s probably trying to gage how long before you let up and give him a lil breathing space so he can go out there and do it again. It doesn’t take sticking one's Johnson in a hole to have an epiphany, it takes emotional maturity. You either have that or you don’t. If you’re not sure of his character or his sincerity then ask if it’s alright if you run out and sleep with another man so you can feel better and see what he says. If he says yes…then not only do you have a loser on your hands, you have a freaky one at that and one who really doesn’t love you if only because most men can’t bear the thought of their woman getting down with another man…because while I don’t buy into the primitive drive theory and how penises are the scapegoats for a lot of the messed up crap men do – I do know they are territorial…touche!
Now, lets think about some of the excuses men have had for cheating:
“I wasn’t getting any”
“You argue too much”
“You nag me too much”
“You let yourself go”
“She made me feel good”
“You forgot about us”
The list could go on…but, they’re all just excuses. Married or not, there is no excuse for cheating period. Cheating says I want my cake and I want to eat it too. The proper term for this is SELFISH, and when love is genuine, selfishness is not part of the contract. When they’re busted they usually say: “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you” Now is that not a clusterphuck? “I didn’t want to hurt you”…DID HE/SHE THINK ABOUT: VD, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Syphilis, Crabs, or AIDS?…How about an unplanned pregnancy? Did he think he might have just bagged psycho chick who might try to shoot you in the face? Did he think of the myriad of situations never mind the TRAUMA you will experience with the ruminating of his banging the witch, an image that will take more than likely YEARS to get over, if ever…and how anytime he does something stupid like forget to screw the cap on the soda tight and you end up with flat soda, how his banging this individual and lying to you will find some connection to Pepsi? He didn’t want to ‘hurt’ you? MALARKEY!…He’s not the ‘big man’ here sparing your feelings, he’s a chump little wimp that isn’t man enough to say: “Hey babe, the love is gone and I’m in the mood to nail anything with two legs and a pulse” or “We have a problem here and I”m getting mighty tempted and I’m giving us two weeks to fix it” or anything whatsoever…NO. Instead, he’s gaslighting you, messing with your head, creating situations to cause you to go postal, so while he’s doing what he’s doing when he gets caught, he can BLAME YOU! That is NOT A MAN but a disturbed little boy. Sorry to be so blunt but there really are no other words to describe this behavior…I anticipate the male species will label me ‘bitter’ those who know me also know I’m not shy when it comes to flipping the bird. I have a handy dandy projection shield and it’s set to REJECT mind games!
Cheaters a.k.a. Players a.k.a. possibly Sociopaths lie, they screw around and they get caught…they’re not MANLY men, they’re personality disordered…
Let me break this down some. Let’s start with the profile of a Sociopath…Sociopaths are known to have the following traits…
Glibness and Superficial Charm: I don’t care if you’re married or not…think back to how he wooed you…I bet he laid it on thick…the same way he laid it on thick with the side kick…they’re masters they know everything you want to hear and they’ll tell it to ya and all lost in the sleepy dust she bit the same way we did. Don’t blame the other chick…trust he laid it on thick and played the pity card to the hilt. If a man came straight out and said: My wife is banging, she’s a chef in the kitchen and a hoe in the bedroom, any woman might ask: Well then why do you want to sleep with me? It’s common sense. The only move that can be played here is the pity card, because it works. It tugs at the heart strings, it plays on our innate ability to empathize and be compassionate. Your anger really does not need to be with her, it needs to be directed squarely at him. Of course he will resist and he will call you all kinds of crazy for acting irrational, and he will turn the tables and he will like a punk make this all your fault…IF YOU LET HIM…it’s what personality disordered people do…
Manipulative and Conning: They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. In other words, when you’re calling him on his 'character flaws' and he’s turning the tables, making this all your fault, justifying it, or telling you that you are imagining things you’re paranoid when you smell some other chick’s crotch on his cheek, he’s manipulating you. When he tells you that you both need to work things out, he wants to go to therapy, he wants to help you get over this because not trusting him is not healthy, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…or how you both need more Jesus in your lives, dude is conning you. What you need is one of them over the counter Aids Tests if they’re out yet and a baseball bat to knock the dude upside his head for thinking you’re that STUPID to believe his B.S….oh but how much we really do want to believe the fiction they’re shoveling is true.
Grandiose Sense of Self : Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.” This is pretty self explanatory if you’ve ever done one of those connect the dots pages in the Fun Pads they used to sell, it’s pretty cut and dry. Grandiose sense of self means he thinks he has the right to bag whatever he wants because he’s just a Major Stud like that, and that YOU have no right to protest because he’s the hottest mess around and if you don’t put up with his antics someone else will. This is where Sisters are letting Sisters down cause it’s true. Plenty of fools walking around that will contort themselves into pretzels for a little piece of the love rod…NEWSFLASH: They sell plastic ones online and they don’t carry sexually transmitted diseases, nor do they have the potential to kill you as long as you keep them clean. Gotta tell it like it is here…it’s getting pretty SAD out there.
Pathological Lying : Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. The difference between these chumps and Bill Clinton has to do with the reason why Hillary stayed. IF YOU TELL ME that this dude with his golden rod has the power to make you one, if not THE MOST POWERFUL woman in the world, then I might have a bit of a softer tone…then this betrayal transforms your relationship into what we call: an “Arrangement” or “Understanding” and you can justifiably move into the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Category” but otherwise, not buying it, nor should you tolerate it. We don’t get a gold star for suffering and being tortured, what we do get: High Blood Pressure, Heart Problems, Ulcers, Diabetes, Cancer and a host of other fun stuff – and usually at the most inopportune times, these suckers will decide since you’re sick, you’re boring and not filling their needs and leave you then…if I’m lying I’m flying. If you need names let me know, I have at least 100 cancer/heart attack victims that I am certain will be willing to share their story and how they sat in hospital beds, and underwent chemo and double bypasses all by themselves.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. In other words: Call them on their bluff and watch the flying monkeys come out. They project, diffuse and twist it around. When you confront them, they’ll get justified and usually they’ve been working on you for a time, so you either learn to suck it up, and hold it in knowing full well they’re full of it, then start second guessing yourself because he starts to brainwash you that if only you did such and such this would not have happened...blahblah,blah then they turn on the crocodile tears with the “Baby don’t leave me I love you” spiel and it takes on a myriad of disguises. Simply stated, you can dip feces in chocolate, it’s still feces when you bite into it. You’re worth more than that. Trust your gut. ’YOU LOVE HIM?’ That's bull! – you don’t love yourself because if you did, you’d be drawing the line knowing the risks of what he just put you through which is the potential for AIDS and it happens to carry a death sentence. That isn’t love and there isn’t anyone around who doesn’t know that in this day and age, anyone is ripe to die for getting down with the wrong one...PERIOD. The time for the epiphany was BEFORE they started planning how they were gonna kick it to the intended target. These things don’t just ‘happen’ at least I’ve never seen it run down that way. There is ‘seduction’ involved. There is a ‘plan’ there is lots of sweet talking – rarely can I imagine it a scenario where a woman walks up to a random man in the street and says: “Hi, wanna knock boots?” Then pulls a gun on him, takes him by force and he has no other choice but to surrender and they rent a room he pays for under duress. The only other scenario that comes to mind might be interaction with a prostitute. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but highly unlikely we will find any legitimate excuses or lack of evidence the cheating wasn’t PLANNED which gets us to INTENT which cancels the “It just happened it was a mistake” argument…mistakes don’t involve long term calculated planning. Our tolerating this and not being wise is what has contributed to these men being trained to believe it’s okay, manly and normal to be a dog. It’s not…it’s SOCIOPATHIC…there is a name for it. While I’m on the topic…MOTHERS, stop trying to raise self absorbed little kings…and ‘ladies men’…raise real men, at minimum teach them honesty and how if they wanna fool around, be honest. There are women that don’t mind rolling like that…heck, cougars are down and it will take some of the work offa you! BUT you owe it to society to do your jobs right and stop buying into the myth that your boys are little princes, they're not your men, they’re young men who will go out there someday and think some woman will dote on them the way you did and that isn’t realistic. Handle your issues or find a man but don’t destroy your boys…it makes them well...USELESS and a blight to society...and please do show them what a hammer and a nail is. So many men are also ill equipped to do the simple manly tasks that a MANLY man is able to handle. What’s up with that? It’s sad when a woman has to repair the toilet tank, soon we will begin to start urinating standing up…I am convinced that is about the only thing missing nowadays. It’s men who put us in this position, coupled with our bad choices with what we THOUGHT were men…they wrote the script.
Shallow Emotions: This might be displayed by crocodile tears, what else can I say? I’ve seen some of the best of the best that can turn on the water works WITHOUT an onion! It’s really remarkable…dry heaves and everything…truly entertaining, except it hurts like hell when you can smell it’s noxious odour. Which is why sometimes we delude ourselves into ‘believing’ the tears are real…our egos get a boost over this Oscar Worthy performance. But it’s still doo-doo.
Incapacity for Love: I really don’t have to break this down for you…let’s put it this way…dude just put your life at risk…he’s now blaming you, projecting, justifying and making you the scapegoat. Please do tell me where in here you see ‘love’. When you’re downing AZT cocktails do you really think he’ll be there holding your hand? Oh, he might because it will help with his image while he’s creeping, he’ll probably even say you got it sleeping with another man. He’ll use it as a crutch to boost his ‘image’ puff up his resume some, in fact it might even up his prospects for cootchie. He can tell all of them, “They’ve got to understand" he simply can’t leave you because well, you’re sick…and that will make him look all the more ‘compassionate’ and caring, which in turn will ignite such empathy in all the side kicks…”What a wonderful guy…all I have to do is hold out for the next ten years until she drops dead then this wonderful catch can be all mine” yes, even your pending death can be used as a tool to score…
Need for Stimulation: Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Then there are the covert abusers who play it calm and cool, you’d never suspect they’re getting busy with chicks in their vans or maybe even a dude underneath the elevated train station when they’re coming home late from the ‘office’ or whatever they do…but best believe, it ain’t about their labor qualified penises that are causing all this ruckus, it’s about their personality, and their disorder, and how it’s all about supply and a hole is a hole…your vagina or some dude’s back door, it’s the same difference, they’re getting FED. It’s about ego stroking…Johnsons getting stroked is just a convenient bonus…WAKE UP!!!
Callousness/Lack of Empathy: Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them…you may find that you don’t even get a real sorry. You might get a half baked sorry, because financially you two are tied up and you might share a home, or he might have a ton of bills and you’re the steady fool in his life, he may be a dog but not a stupid one. All predators know where their bread is buttered. Trust he isn’t staying with you after this offense because he loves you – he’s staying because being with you, sharing the bills guaranteed, keeps his money in a place where he can afford to wine and dine the other chicks. He knows if you’re married, you’re getting at least half, then there is child support and all that other good stuff – most sidekicks, like being wined and dined, in other words: “NO MONEY=NO HONEY”
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature: Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. Basically expect intermittent reinforcement, ups and downs that you think are ‘expected’ in relationships – except move it to the pathological category. Understand these ups and downs are being maneuvered by him, so that he can keep your ass unsteady and unable to think…get hep to this and get hep with a quickness. Might be a rich dude you can take to the cleaners, or a broke wannabe...either way, there is no money in the world that can top your sanity and if you stick around long enough you will be sitting there rocking and sucking your thumb while he takes off with some 22 year old who had a T&A job down in Brazil (paid for with YOUR rent money after he lied and said he was mugged which was why he came home with ZERO dollars after working a sixty hour week)…AND they’ll call this love, basically because at 22 she’ll be too stupid to know any better, the suspect probably some chick looking for daddy.
Other key indicators your partner is not a jerk but a Sociopathic abuser…
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Bottom line, I get people make ‘mistakes’ but ‘mistakes’ do not generally fall into the category of playing Russian Roulette with your life. If you have gotten past infidelity, God Bless You and I won’t judge you…but if you are conning yourself that you’ve gotten past it and it’s eating away at you like a cancer and you have resentment, GET OUT…never mind that commitment for life, it goes BOTH ways and the minute he decided his rod was a donut glazer, all bets were off!
Males can also be victims. Because of the stigma attached to male victims of domestic violence it is oftentimes unreported. Cheating when there is a lack of insight, remorse, empathy or compassion for the victim and/or their suffering is abuse. Understand the signs.
