Cheating as a Form of Abuse by Betty LaLuna

I have been tossing around the idea of this article now for two months.  I've been tossing it around in my head because I want to provide an answer. I have tortured myself over it, researched it, read about it and did some soul searching on it.  What I am about to do is not going to be easy, because I can't just say that Cheating is abuse - there is no black and white answer, but there are some points to consider and I am saddened by how trivial society views cheating despite the pain and trauma that follows such a betrayal.

First off, there seems to be an unwritten code somewhere that somehow "Cheating" is okay if you're not married.  It's just one of those things that 'just happens', society accepts this.  We are expected to assume men just trip and fall into vaginas on a daily basis or women accidentally land on a penis.  I disagree.  Cheating is a well thought out and systematic intentional betrayal.  It's got nothing to do with marriage licenses but rather a weakness in character and sometimes a personality disorder.  I am not suggesting that one who has strayed should be tarred and feathered; however, I think too many accept this 'character flaw' as just something that happens without fully recognizing the implications and the harm that is done.  Cheating becomes a betrayal of trust, it creates a scar and an indelible memory for the one who has been betrayed.  It becomes a psychological wound.  Thirty years ago, the worst that could happen if someone cheated with the 'wrong' person was you got herpes.  Today it's a potential death sentence. AIDS can kill. It is not something to take lightly.

First let me start by acknowledging women cheat too; however, there is a saturation of messages out there excusing men when they engage in cheating, it's seen as Macho and a validation of their testosterone levels. It’s about time we started calling a spade a spade. Simply put there is NO excuse for cheating, I don’t want to hear about male insatiable sex drives and how penises just somehow take over and lead men to places they didn’t want to go. If a male penis has that much power, control and ability then you owe it to yourself to order Mr. Johnson go get a job. I don’t want to hear men are ‘hunters’ I ain’t seen a dude go out there and skin a buffalo for my meals yet! It’s all hype, its a misogynistic message promoted by men to brainwash us as women to accept crumbs. It’s the musings of little boys, not leaders and certainly not “kings”. Such bantering of misinformation makes the good men look like crap and it’s just plain MALARKEY. If they really wanted to be seen as men they'd admit this and then we can at least respect them for their honesty. 

LADIES (and gentlemen)…people who cheat are FULL OF IT…plain and simple.  We need to stop forgiving the misbehavior because it’s abusive and disrespectful and it’s putting lives at risk. There are a ton of magazines out there and relationship gurus trying to help people with relationship problems, and they’re weaving baskets of hope and illusion and it’s not right.  It's plain unethical. The media has women believing they are up and okay for the regular “Booty Call’ AS IF they’re independent and are calling the shots…NEWSFLASH: You’re not and you’re being played the fool and your body is being used as a vessel for some chumps masturbation…a dude too cheap to buy his own blow up doll. That would at least be acting responsibly…we could even call it being accountable. See, we have this bonding chemical called Oxytocin…the minute that rod makes contact…we’re screwed and not just literally, biologically…WE BOND. Let’s not play naive here let’s be honest: What is the difference between a friend that does something deplorable and a partner? You’re sleeping with ONE of them. I opine forgiveness is nice Joan of Arc was an inspirational  story, a martyr burned at the stake, it’s what all good tragic stories are made of, but just because you delude yourself into thinking you’ll forgive, it doesn’t mean you’ll forget and at the end of the day is it even worth the trouble? There is alimony and child support, short of that, you stick around, you’ll still have to sleep with him (if you're married) and feel like doo-doo afterwards because, you’ve been betrayed and it messes with your spirit. Trust me, “Homie” is not sitting there tortured, in fact he’s probably trying to gage how long before you let up and give him a lil breathing space so he can go out there and do it again.  It doesn’t take sticking one's Johnson in a hole to have an epiphany, it takes emotional maturity. You either have that or you don’t. If you’re not sure of his character or his sincerity then ask if it’s alright if you run out and sleep with another man so you can feel better and see what he says. If he says yes…then not only do you have a loser on your hands, you have a freaky one at that and one who really doesn’t love you if only because most men can’t bear the thought of their woman getting down with another man…because while I don’t buy into the primitive drive theory and how penises are the scapegoats for a lot of the messed up crap men do – I do know they are territorial…touche!

Now, lets think about some of the excuses men have had for cheating:

“I wasn’t getting any”
“You argue too much”
“You nag me too much”
“You let yourself go”
“She made me feel good”
“You forgot about us”

The list could go on…but, they’re all just excuses. Married or not, there is no excuse for cheating period. Cheating says I want my cake and I want to eat it too.  The proper term for this is SELFISH, and when love is genuine, selfishness is not part of the contract.  When they’re busted they usually say: “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you” Now is that not a clusterphuck? “I didn’t want to hurt you”…DID HE/SHE THINK ABOUT: VD, Gonorrhea, Herpes, Syphilis, Crabs, or AIDS?…How about an unplanned pregnancy? Did he think he might have just bagged psycho chick who might try to shoot you in the face? Did he think of the myriad of situations never mind the TRAUMA you will experience with the ruminating of his banging the witch, an image that will take more than likely YEARS to get over, if ever…and how anytime he does something stupid like forget to screw the cap on the soda tight and you end up with flat soda, how his banging this individual and lying to you will find some connection to Pepsi? He didn’t want to ‘hurt’ you? MALARKEY!…He’s not the ‘big man’ here sparing your feelings, he’s a chump little wimp that isn’t man enough to say: “Hey babe, the love is gone and I’m in the mood to nail anything with two legs and a pulse” or “We have a problem here and I”m getting mighty tempted and I’m giving us two weeks to fix it” or anything whatsoever…NO. Instead, he’s gaslighting you, messing with your head, creating situations to cause you to go postal, so while he’s doing what he’s doing when he gets caught, he can BLAME YOU!  That is NOT A MAN but a disturbed little boy.  Sorry to be so blunt but there really are no other words to describe this behavior…I anticipate the male species will label me ‘bitter’ those who know me also know I’m not shy when it comes to flipping the bird.  I have a handy dandy projection shield and it’s set to REJECT mind games!

Cheaters a.k.a. Players a.k.a. possibly Sociopaths lie, they screw around and they get caught…they’re not MANLY men, they’re personality disordered…

Let me break this down some. Let’s start with the profile of a Sociopath…Sociopaths are known to have the following traits…

Glibness and Superficial Charm: I don’t care if you’re married or not…think back to how he wooed you…I bet he laid it on thick…the same way he laid it on thick with the side kick…they’re masters they know everything you want to hear and they’ll tell it to ya and all lost in the sleepy dust she bit the same way we did. Don’t blame the other chick…trust he laid it on thick and played the pity card to the hilt. If a man came straight out and said: My wife is banging, she’s a chef in the kitchen and a hoe in the bedroom, any woman might ask: Well then why do you want to sleep with me? It’s common sense. The only move that can be played here is the pity card, because it works.  It tugs at the heart strings, it plays on our innate ability to empathize and be compassionate. Your anger really does not need to be with her, it needs to be directed squarely at him.  Of course he will resist and he will call you all kinds of crazy for acting irrational, and he will turn the tables and he will like a punk make this all your fault…IF YOU LET HIM…it’s what personality disordered people do…

Manipulative and Conning:  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. In other words, when you’re calling him on his 'character flaws' and he’s turning the tables, making this all your fault, justifying it, or telling you that you are imagining things you’re paranoid when you smell some other chick’s crotch on his cheek, he’s manipulating you.  When he tells you that you both need to work things out, he wants to go to therapy, he wants to help you get over this because not trusting him is not healthy, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…or how you both need more Jesus in your lives, dude is conning you.  What you need is one of them over the counter Aids Tests if they’re out yet and a baseball bat to knock the dude upside his head for thinking you’re that STUPID to believe his B.S….oh but how much we really do want to believe the fiction they’re shoveling is true.

Grandiose Sense of Self :  Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.” This is pretty self explanatory if you’ve ever done one of those connect the dots pages in the Fun Pads they used to sell, it’s pretty cut and dry.  Grandiose sense of self means he thinks he has the right to bag whatever he wants because he’s just a Major Stud like that, and that YOU have no right to protest because he’s the hottest mess around and if you don’t put up with his antics someone else will.  This is where Sisters are letting Sisters down cause it’s true.  Plenty of fools walking around that will contort themselves into pretzels for a little piece of the love rod…NEWSFLASH: They sell plastic ones online and they don’t carry sexually transmitted diseases, nor do they have the potential to kill you as long as you keep them clean. Gotta tell it like it is here…it’s getting pretty SAD out there.

Pathological Lying : Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. The difference between these chumps and Bill Clinton has to do with the reason why Hillary stayed. IF YOU TELL ME that this dude with his golden rod has the power to make you one, if not THE MOST POWERFUL woman in the world, then I might have a bit of a softer tone…then this betrayal transforms your relationship into what we call:   an “Arrangement” or “Understanding” and you can justifiably move into the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Category” but otherwise, not buying it, nor should you tolerate it. We don’t get a gold star for suffering and being tortured, what we do get: High Blood Pressure, Heart Problems, Ulcers, Diabetes, Cancer and a host of other fun stuff – and usually at the most inopportune times, these suckers will decide since you’re sick, you’re boring and not filling their needs and leave you then…if I’m lying I’m flying. If you need names let me know, I have at least 100 cancer/heart attack victims that I am certain will be willing to share their story and how they sat in hospital beds, and underwent chemo and double bypasses all by themselves.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt: A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. In other words: Call them on their bluff and watch the flying monkeys come out. They project, diffuse and twist it around. When you confront them, they’ll get justified and usually they’ve been working on you for a time, so you either learn to suck it up, and hold it in knowing full well they’re full of it, then start second guessing yourself because he starts to brainwash you that if only you did such and such this would not have happened...blahblah,blah then they turn on the crocodile tears with the “Baby don’t leave me I love you” spiel and it takes on a myriad of disguises. Simply stated, you can dip feces in chocolate, it’s still feces when you bite into it.  You’re worth more than that.  Trust your gut.  ’YOU LOVE HIM?’ That's bull! – you don’t love yourself because if you did, you’d be drawing the line knowing the risks of what he just put you through which is the potential for AIDS and it happens to carry a death sentence. That isn’t love and there isn’t anyone around who doesn’t know that in this day and age, anyone is ripe to die for getting down with the wrong one...PERIOD. The time for the epiphany was BEFORE they started planning how they were gonna kick it to the intended target.  These things don’t just ‘happen’ at least I’ve never seen it run down that way.  There is ‘seduction’ involved. There is a ‘plan’ there is lots of sweet talking – rarely can I imagine it a scenario where a woman walks up to a random man in the street and says: “Hi, wanna knock boots?” Then pulls a gun on him, takes him by force and he has no other choice but to surrender and they rent a room he pays for under duress.  The only other scenario that comes to mind might be interaction with a prostitute.  I’m not saying it’s impossible, but highly unlikely we will find any legitimate excuses or lack of evidence the cheating wasn’t PLANNED which gets us to INTENT which cancels the “It just happened it was a mistake” argument…mistakes don’t involve long term calculated planning. Our tolerating this and not being wise is what has contributed to these men being trained to believe it’s okay, manly and normal to be a dog. It’s not…it’s SOCIOPATHIC…there is a name for it. While I’m on the topic…MOTHERS, stop trying to raise self absorbed little kings…and ‘ladies men’…raise real men, at minimum teach them honesty and how if they wanna fool around, be honest.   There are women that don’t mind rolling like that…heck, cougars are down and it will take some of the work offa you! BUT you owe it to society to do your jobs right and stop buying into the myth that your boys are little princes, they're not your men, they’re young men who will go out there someday and think some woman will dote on them the way you did and that isn’t realistic. Handle your issues or find a man but don’t destroy your boys…it makes them well...USELESS and a blight to society...and please do show them what a hammer and a nail is.  So many men are also ill equipped to do the simple manly tasks that a MANLY man is able to handle.  What’s up with that?  It’s sad when a woman has to repair the toilet tank, soon we will begin to start urinating standing up…I am convinced that is about the only thing missing nowadays.  It’s men who put us in this position, coupled with our bad choices with what we THOUGHT were men…they wrote the script.

Shallow Emotions: This might be displayed by crocodile tears, what else can I say? I’ve seen some of the best of the best that can turn on the water works WITHOUT an onion! It’s really remarkable…dry heaves and everything…truly entertaining, except it hurts like hell when you can smell it’s noxious odour. Which is why sometimes we delude ourselves into ‘believing’ the tears are real…our egos get a boost over this Oscar Worthy performance.  But it’s still doo-doo.

Incapacity for Love: I really don’t have to break this down for you…let’s put it this way…dude just put your life at risk…he’s now blaming you, projecting, justifying and making you the scapegoat. Please do tell me where in here you see ‘love’.  When you’re downing AZT cocktails do you really think he’ll be there holding your hand?  Oh, he might because it will help with his image while he’s creeping, he’ll probably even say you got it sleeping with another man.  He’ll use it as a crutch to boost his ‘image’ puff up his resume some, in fact it might even up his prospects for cootchie.  He can tell all of them, “They’ve got to understand" he simply can’t leave you because well, you’re sick…and that will make him look all the more ‘compassionate’ and caring, which in turn will ignite such empathy in all the side kicks…”What a wonderful guy…all I have to do is hold out for the next ten years until she drops dead then this wonderful catch can be all mine” yes, even your pending death can be used as a tool to score…

Need for Stimulation:  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. Then there are the covert abusers who play it calm and cool, you’d never suspect they’re getting busy with chicks in their vans or maybe even a dude underneath the elevated train station when they’re coming home late from the ‘office’ or whatever they do…but best believe, it ain’t about their labor qualified penises that are causing all this ruckus, it’s about their personality, and their disorder, and how it’s all about supply and a hole is a hole…your vagina or some dude’s back door, it’s the same difference, they’re getting FED. It’s about ego stroking…Johnsons getting stroked is just a convenient bonus…WAKE UP!!!

Callousness/Lack of Empathy:  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them…you may find that you don’t even get a real sorry.  You might get a half baked sorry, because financially you two are tied up and you might share a home, or he might have a ton of bills and you’re the steady fool in his life, he may be a dog but not a stupid one.  All predators know where their bread is buttered.  Trust he isn’t staying with you after this offense because he loves you – he’s staying because being with you, sharing the bills guaranteed, keeps his money in a place where he can afford to wine and dine the other chicks.  He knows if you’re married, you’re getting at least half, then there is child support and all that other good stuff – most sidekicks, like being wined and dined, in other words:  “NO MONEY=NO HONEY”

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature:  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. Basically expect intermittent reinforcement, ups and downs that you think are ‘expected’ in relationships – except move it to the pathological category.  Understand these ups and downs are being maneuvered by him, so that he can keep your ass unsteady and unable to think…get hep to this and get hep with a quickness.  Might be a rich dude you can take to the cleaners, or a broke wannabe...either way, there is no money in the world that can top your sanity and if you stick around long enough you will be sitting there rocking and sucking your thumb while he takes off with some 22 year old who had a T&A  job down in Brazil (paid for with YOUR rent money after he lied and said he was mugged which was why he came home with ZERO dollars after working a sixty hour week)…AND they’ll call this love, basically because at 22 she’ll be too stupid to know any better, the suspect probably some chick looking for daddy.

Other key indicators your partner is not a jerk but a Sociopathic abuser…

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
 Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Bottom line, I get people make ‘mistakes’ but ‘mistakes’ do not generally fall into the category of playing Russian Roulette with your life.  If you have gotten past infidelity, God Bless You and I won’t judge you…but if you are conning yourself that you’ve gotten past it and it’s eating away at you like a cancer and you have resentment, GET OUT…never mind that commitment for life, it goes BOTH ways and the minute he decided his rod was a donut glazer, all bets were off!

Males can also be victims.  Because of the stigma attached to male victims of domestic violence it is oftentimes unreported.  Cheating when there is a lack of insight, remorse, empathy or compassion for the victim and/or their suffering is abuse.  Understand the signs.

Verizon's HopeLine a Potential LIfe Saver for Domestic Violence Victims...

For many victims of domestic violence, a primary tactic abusers use to obtain complete control is to isolate the victim.  It takes a lot of courage to decide to leave and statistics show it can take a victim up to 7 attempts before a successful escape.

Sometimes abusers will install key loggers to track what a victim is sharing online.  Phone tapping is also not out of the question.  It is important for those in domestic abuse relationships to have access to a working telephone, it can make the difference between life and death.

If you know someone who is in a domestic violence situation, there is a way you can help.  Verizon Wireless is committed to helping the nearly one in four women, one in seven men and more than 3 million children in the United States affected by domestic violence. They are collecting no-longer-used wireless phones and accessories and turning them into support for domestic violence organizations nationwide. Through their HopeLine program, they've donated hundreds of thousands of phones and awarded millions of dollars in cash grants to partner agencies.  Please consider donating a telephone for a victim in need, or hosting a drive. 
You can learn more about the process [HERE]

If you are in a domestic violence situation and are in need of a HopeLine telephone you can search for the closest contact for your area by clicking [HERE]

Finally...

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 1-800-799-SAFE or #HOPE from your Verizon Wireless phone.

If you are in an emergency situation, dial 911 or contact the local law enforcement immediately.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; however, current statistics indicate  awareness for many of our nation's citizens is daily.

Many erroneously believe that domestic violence is defined as physical abuse and/or blatant verbal abuse but nothing could not be further from the truth.  There are many stealth psychological tactics abusers use in order to dominate and subjugate their victims.  Ultimately domestic violence is about control.

What is most alarming is that the 'most recent' studies on Domestic Violence date back to the late 90's and early 2000's; however there is little reason to suspect things have improved.  The National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institute for Justice in a survey released in 2000 found that one in four women (25%) have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime.  Nonetheless, it is important to note that Domestic Violence does not discriminate.  According to the American Bar Association's Commission on Domestic and Sexual Violence:  835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.

 

Photo Credit:  Wikimedia Commons

The true definition of Domestic Violence according to the Department of Justice Office on Violence of Crimes against Women defines Domestic Violence as follows:
"A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone."


Within the USDOJ's definition, Domestic Violence includes:

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include  - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

The World Health Organization conducted a study on the global economic dimensions of interpersonal (Domestic) Violence and arrived at three key conclusions:

• The consequences of interpersonal violence are extremely costly.
• Prevention studies show evidence of cost effectiveness. 
• For most of the developing world and many developed countries there is not even descriptive information about the direct costs of treating the consequences of interpersonal violence.

Those involved in Domestic Violence Awareness understand that it is a pervasive challenge which erodes the foundation of any viable community from the inside out.  Failing to address these issues in terms of awareness, prevention and support for victims means that public health has failed to meet its obligations to promote health and safety for all.  It will take more than a village to eradicate not only the societal ill we know as "Domestic Violence" but to create effective campaigns whereby victims can access the help they need in order to recover, abusers can obtain therapeutic support services to  get to the root causes of their behavior and our youth is given the opportunity to learn of the red flags which often precipitate acts of Domestic Violence so that they are able to take protective measures for themselves BEFORE a relationship gets out of control.  None of this is easy; however, in this arena and each one teaches one.

If you are a victim or know someone who is in crisis there is help available. 
 

THEHOTLINE.ORG

When Life Hands You Lemons Be Still and Do Nothing by Betty LaLuna an Alias

 



Tranquility by Peter Griffin

We're told we must acquire more, do more, achieve more, optimize our time, our productivity,  and multi-task.  Then we wonder why we're stressed out.  We're sick, we're tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired, but we must still trudge along this journey called life.  The earth is in constant motion.

Stress causes heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure and leaves our bodies weak, exposing us to a myriad of illnesses and we find ourselves going to doctors who give us pills.  "You're depressed?"  "Here's a pill!" "Now my blood pressure is high!" "Here's another pill!" On and on it goes.  That does not negate the fact that certain medications are necessary to alleviate symptoms of an illness; however the fact is that few if any pills absent perhaps an antibiotic actually 'cure' illness they just make them bearable.

It seems that as part of the human condition, we have this addiction to 'control' we delude ourselves into thinking that somehow we can bring about certain circumstances with the power of our mind.  In part that is true; however, in some respects it's complete and utter hogwash!!

We find ourselves striving to acquire the latest gadget or gizmo, or we're on a wild goose chase seeking to conquer the ever elusive.  We are 'goal' oriented.  It's never enough.  Media has a lot to do with this drive as media sets the tone and the message.  It sets the agenda.  In today's fast paced world the motto is:  "If you're fast you pass, if you're slow you blow." How does one keep up? 

The answer does not lie in a guru, a preacher, a pastor, a priest or any other sage.  The answer lies in you.  All of that chasing and running around we're doing, we're doing it to ourselves.  We were given every tool we need to meet our needs.  The rest as they say is gravy.  We have been drugged up on the message that 'more' brings happiness and contentment but we haven't been told how much is enough, so we find ourselves in a constant state of trying to fill a void until we have enough.  We don't know how or when we've had enough. 

We have basic needs for survival:  Food, Water, Shelter, Clothing and Love.  I learned this a long time ago.

In the late 90's I was a single parent, working full time running from pillar to post.  Unexpectedly I lost my job and went into complete panic mode.  I was living check to check, I had no savings, I had just moved to a new apartment where my rent quadrupled.   I had a small settlement but it was not enough to see me through.  It was a period in my life when Murphy's Law was in full force and effect.  Anything that could go wrong did and this was not part of the plan.  Many tried to talk me out of moving but I felt it was time for a new life so on a leap of faith I bit the bullet and I did it anyway.  I felt trapped,  powerless, and afraid.  I envisioned homelessness, starvation and a life of begging on the streets.  I tossed and turned at night, I worried, I cried I regretted my decision to move from my old neighborhood. This new life I carved out for myself and my son seemed like a mistake.  In my old neighborhood had I lost my job I would have been able to make the rent even if I had to rely on Public Assistance and would still have money left over.  I had now placed myself in a position where there were no safety nets.  That can be scary...to take a leap of 'faith.'  I felt abandoned...my father in Heaven appeared to be giving me the silent treatment.

I searched for employment but nothing materialized.  I investigated child care options and the rates were $1000 per month because my son was still in diapers.  My earnings capacity was decent, but a grand a month would certainly have left me in a precarious financial state with little to feed ourselves with. I was in a bind.  When we find ourselves in the middle of what appears to be chaos, the best thing to do is be still.  Fighting blocks the ability to 'hear' the voice that will lead you.  In times like this we must learn how to surrender.  When events begin to take hold of our lives, sometimes we can only help ourselves by relinquishing control. 

I have a sister whom I don't refer to as a half sister although we do not share the same mother.  We were not close for several reasons - first being an age gap second she was married and lived abroad most of my childhood.  One Christmas she visited my mother and I and left her son with me for a week so we could get to know each other.  I must have been about 14 years old.  Being an only child this was a joy to me.  I took my nephew all over New York City.  I took him to the Central Park Zoo, the Museum of Natural History, The Empire State Building, FAO Schwartz.   I bought him a toy boat for bath time, and his own special bottle of Mr. Bubbles.  I was elated.  I had my own little real life 'doll' to nurture and spoil, but then the week came to an end and he went back home.  We kept in touch for a time and then contact fizzled.  I dreamed of him, I missed him terribly.  I would fantasize about connecting with them again.  Years would pass before I caught up with them again, life went on.  One day out of nowhere, during this in this period of time when I was facing so much emotional and financial difficulty, something brought my nephew to mind. 


I remember toying with the idea of visiting him; however, it did not seem feasible as at this point he lived in Atlanta, GA.   I did not fly, and I could not envision myself driving, and I was limited financially.  The other element of serendipity is that when it came to my sister and my nephew, although we did not communicate much there seemed to be a telepathic connection as I would think of her and sure enough three days later or so, I'd hear from her or she'd literally land on my doorstep.  


Imagine my surprise when three days later out of nowhere after decades of no real contact with my nephew, my mother calls me up and says:  "I need a vacation, why don't we go to Atlanta and visit your nephew?"  This was the universe at work here.  I did not share any of my thoughts with my  mother having to do with my nephew.  We hadn't spoken or seen my nephew for at least twenty years!  I had my own feelings about him, I missed him but there would be nothing to inspire my mother to  suggest we do that.  "Let's visit your nephew" of all people, I still can't figure out what brought that on but it was yet proof if I ever doubted, that there exists out there in the galaxy, something more that really is in control...which is why we must learn to be still and listen.  The answer is in the silence.  I said yes because I just felt it was a 'sign.'  It really was too much of a coincidence to ignore.  A week later I found myself on an Amtrak train headed south with my mother and my baby boy.

By day four, I had a job offer in Atlanta, GA.  Daycare was $500 a month and it was a beautiful facility.  In fact there seemed to be a daycare facility on every corner!  Atlanta is a beautiful city.  I lived in the suburbs amongst beautiful homes, some had horses roaming in their backyards, of course I lived in an apartment but to take in that scenery, to be in the center of calm.  The south has a totally different energy.  While I faced a dip in salary, my needs were met.  I had less than a week to get back to New York pack and report for work.  I had no idea how I was going to pull this off, but I said "Yes!" I raced back spent three days packing.  I had no means of securing anything.  I was afraid to make a permanent commitment, I was afraid to give up the security of my New York apartment that while more expensive than I was used to was still affordable.  I had no one who could babysit my apartment for the "Just in case."  I had one person lined up who two days later reneged.  I had no idea how I was going to make the rent to cover this risk I was taking.   Two days before leaving,  I found my house sitter.  I packed up my car with a pot, a pan, some clothing, a small TV, a small radio and I was gone!  Just like that.  No furniture, no idea of anything other than I was gone. 

I slept on the floor for six weeks until we graduated to an air mattress which my cat by night two successfully managed to puncture confusing it with her mother.  We spent the next four weeks sleeping on an air mattress that by morning found us on the bare floor again; but,  I had peace.  The universe brought about conditions that no matter what would find me landing in safety and security.  I would drive around Atlanta in my leisure and think of the irony of how I had landed in an environment of great wealth yet despite working I was impoverished compared to the living standard of the neighborhood.  Nonetheless, my needs were met.  I had everything I needed.  I could afford food.   Because I was a Property Manager, I had a substantial discount on my rent.  I had a balcony and a lake on property where we could feed the ducks and just relax.   We had a pool!  I had nothing and I had everything.  In all this 'wealth' people could afford to move and they'd leave furniture behind.  Within three months, my whole apartment was filled.  I had a dresser, a dining room set, and two mattresses on the floor.  Eventually the living room set arrived compliments of the resident in building 6 and a $20 bill slipped to the dude driving the Salvation Army Truck about to take it to headquarters.  It just all came together with little effort - all I had to do was be still and listen.

I look back at that time in my life when I took a leap of faith.  Even then people attempted to dissuade me.  They thought I was crazy.  I call that period of my life my "Mental Health Break."  It was a time where I detached from the material.  I went on a journey into the unknown simply on a leap of faith.  I did not abandon common sense, I made sure that certain safety nets were in place, but I took a risk and I took a chance.  I learned I didn't need much to find contentment.  I learned what we all really need is a basic means to provide for ourselves and a pot and a pan.  I learned that all is not lost with humanity.  I still experienced bumps along the way even in my new found bliss.  Shortly thereafter my car broke down.  It would have taken me three hours to get my son to daycare despite it was a ten minute drive.  Atlanta has a public transportation system, but it is not based on any particular logic.  I felt it was time to panic again...but the universe was in control so one morning out of nowhere upon hearing of my situation,  one of the maintenance men who also lived on property learning of my plight slapped a duplicate copy of his car keys on my desk and said:  "I go to Mississippi on the weekends to gamble, have my car back by 5pm on Fridays, otherwise do with it what you will." Problem solved. 

 I learned the joys of thrift shop shopping, and found many treasures and toys for my son.  My mother came to visit and was distressed to see my little one wearing a coat whose sleeves were about two inches above his wrists - she cried, but I reassured her, I was at peace and happy.  I struggled but I had peace.  The salary wasn't as much as I would have liked, I needed a new car.  My mother helped me with the down payment; however, I would now have to assume payments given that my $500 clunker was now officially dead.  I took a job at night with one of our contractors cleaning out vacant apartments.  Sometimes there would be three apartments that needed cleaning, I'd have baby in tow rest him on a blanket and clean until six in the morning then go to work...but I was at peace.

We delude ourselves into thinking that all we have to do is pray and it will land on our laps.  It doesn't happen that way.  We do have to do our part. We have to stay open and we have to put forth the energy.  We have to put forth effort; however, the most important key is to accept that the answer has nothing to do with our 'plan' but the plan of the universe.  When we have our minds cluttered with the chase, or with fear or worry, there is no room for the message to get through because we are cluttering the space with our own minutia.  If we truly desire peace and wish to guarantee that our needs are met, we must detach from the material and leave ourselves open to the opportunities presented to acquire that.  We must learn how to be still...that is the key to living with 'intent' it is not having the intention of something specific - it is the intent of being still and being open and conscious of the moment to moment.

This story does not end with my eventually living the life of Reilly in Atlanta, Ga.  In fact within a year's time I returned to New York...the universe's involvement with that decision is a story for another time; however, I can end this story stating that I have had a few "Dark Nights of the Soul" and in each and every instance despite what seemed to be impossible circumstances, I have each and every time landed on my feet.

I have no particular religion, I have no particular faith.  I lean more towards Buddhism and Theosophy; however, I embrace and dabble in it all and the key message, and the secret in my experience points to:  "When life hands you lemons, be still for a moment and do nothing."  The answer will come.