Gender Notions:"What She Said"

 

Gender Notions: "What She Said"
By Dalia Gonzalez

 

Recently I was reading a magazine profile on Mia Farrow and halfway through the article, it delved into the Woody Allen situation with Farrow's daughters. It was  jarring at first that the article switched focus in the middle of this amazing article on this intelligent activist who is doing things separate from this event in her own life. It was borderline sad that this author felt he needed to bring up the past. And these weren't even the brightest moments of this family's past.

 

The focus on Dylan Farrow's numerous testimony and conversations over the years about what happened made me think of how America, as a society, doesn't take what women say at face value. A few days before the Academy Awards this year, when Woody Allen was receiving a lifetime achievement award, the media was again talking about the allegations and court time. And immediately, people on social networks everywhere were quick to come to Allen's side, saying they hoped it wasn't true and how sad and shocking it was to hear about this all over again.

 

I wrote recently about my hair and how people always wanted to know when I was going to let it grow out. And that's so low on the problematic scale. Like when a woman says she doesn't plan for children or marriage, the first response is usually "you'll change your mind." A friend of mine was told by her mother that just having a job wasn't good enough for women anymore. That instead, they must also want a family of their own and a partner through it all to be considered a true adult woman. Women everywhere have their emotions dismissed as her "time of the month" and her decisions as a "change of her mind." Never mind that the male body also goes through a hormone cycle as well. Never mind that the woman has probably been agonizing over her decision for days if not months or years. Whatever she just said isn't a real answer. This becomes problematic when the extremes are taken: when "no" cannot mean "no" as long as a woman is saying it. People raised to believe women are flighty and forgetful of very serious matters will slowly begin to ignore every example of a woman making a decision and override it.

 

In Dylan Farrow's case, she was forced to re-live moments she would have preferred to forget, because the doctors and lawyers examining her and her case were slow to believe that her story had any foundation to it. This is a ridiculous example, if only because this case pitted Farrow's word against Allen's, and if the professionals were going to be so quick to ignore a complete side of the case, a fair trial and examination of events would never occur.

 

But this sort of thing happens to women every day. More than half of sexual assault cases go unreported every year, and at least a third of those that are reported come forward despite the fact that our society is so quick to blame the victim for the crime instead of the perpetrator. Our society's "rape culture" as it has been coined, is systematically silencing our women and robbing them of their authority and their words of its power; forcing these secrets into the closet, where they don't help anyone, and for some women, eat away at their confidence later in life.

 

We like to pretend that the world we live in is brimming with equality and that anyone who doesn't realize how good they have it is otherwise ungrateful. The discussion on privilege that is exploding from Princeton student Tal Fortgang's essay/rant on people telling him to check his privilege prove that.
 

We need to channel our penchant to dismiss women as flighty into actively trusting in them. It's a vicious circle when a woman fears speaking up because people will lash out, dismiss her, or blame her instead of helping. Less women will be inclined to step forward in the future. And we move further from the equality that we really need to move forward as humanity. Let's second guess ourselves next time we hear about a woman stepping forward with something that might be ugly to hear, or that affects solely her life as decided by her. Because the reverse leads to less justice for the world at large, not just half our population.

Gender Notions: XXs and You're Out

Gender Notions: XXs and You're Out
By Dalia Gonzalez

I've mentioned before how men have different privileges when it comes to society's perceptions. Trans men have spoken out about how their transition highlighted their male privilege in places where women are often told to grow up or shut up. Trans men have noted they were given "the floor" faster and with more frequency as men than before their transition. As ciswomen in the workplace, stars like Rashida Jones, Mindy Kaling, and even polarizing high power feminists Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg have mentioned it was hard to get heard or even noticed in male dominated spaces. Sandberg's philosophy for women to work harder at their jobs has come under heavy fire in recent months. Society says it's accepting of all genders, but isn't as reflective of the radical change when you look at statistics.


Recently there was a story about gay men being ostracized in the same manner as straight women. Sometimes they are also told they aren't "man enough" or haven't "grown up ". I can't help but wonder if this relates to the way women are treated with less consideration in the workplace. What is so polarizing about the "fairer sex"? The wonder of being able to bring life into the world? The way women's bodies and internal organs are altered and pushed aside to accommodate that new life? The hormone fluctuations under no control of their own? Their greater pain threshold? It certainly can't be physical; the idea that women aren't as physically strong can be debunked by any visit to a weightlifting contest, and wouldn't explain why gay men are ostracized in the same sense. Perhaps it's related to their attraction to men?


It's a great thing that Jason Collins and Michael Sam are doing their parts to pave the way in ultra-hetero macho sports for other LGBTQIA persons. I can already see the change in acceptance and tolerance happening in other sports news, and Russia's anti-gay laws bought about much more outspokenness in the LGBTQIA community and I applaud that. But in the wake of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, a "dress up doll" of Vladmir Putin has shown up online where the clothing options are things like high heels, feather boas, and glittering diamonds. It's an interesting choice that hasn't gone unnoticed online and I'm certainly not the only one to notice the connection between dressing this doll in stereotypical drag clothes and how that's supposed to be funny in a humiliating way because men dressed as women or presenting more feminine is "hilarious".


People often talk about how women won't be liberated until men are. At first it seems like malarkey. Straight, white, cismen are among the largest privileged group we have. But even in 2014 interracial couples are still being racially targeted. Men who choose to dress similar to that dress up game are ostracized. We created the term "metrosexual" so hetero men would feel okay with skincare, fashion, and even basic personal hygiene because apparently we've gone so extreme that men can't shave without their masculinity being insulted.

And so things are changing, albeit slowly, and I'd love if these changes cultivate a new culture where everyone brings discussions like these out in the open and analyzes them.


March 8th is International Women's Day. In celebrating women, let's celebrate us all.

"Gender Notions" | "The Long and Short of It"

"The Long and Short of It"
By Dalia Gonzalez

There's an Mitch Hedberg joke that laments the fact that long-haired men are perceived to be drug users. Why can't long hair be associated with intense longing for cake, Hedberg goes on, so when people are baking they hide their goods from long-haired men who come to their house.


I never grew up with that particular assumption. To me, long hair was for surfers, and while surfers can be a sub-type of stoners, I never saw them that way. Stoners were people in the counter-culture world; scraggly older humans who had relinquished all earthly possessions and lived in communes. Surfers were adventure-taking, risk-seeking people who broke away from the mold of everyday life in pursuit of something more exciting. It never had a negative connotation. On the other hand, women with short hair were almost always one of two things: lesbians or mothers. Large, tough, rough, butch lesbians and mothers who had sacrificed either their daily beauty routines for sleep and caring for their young children, or acceptance that older women can be beautiful and went for a "matronly" hairstyle.


Growing up I was known for my long hair: cascading down my back and getting stuck in the classroom chairs in everyday situations, pulled up in a bun on fancy occasions. But I was sick of it when I was entering high school. I wanted a new start for a new school, even though high school wasn't a completely new start. In the end I cut my hair to shoulder-length for fear I would hate super-short hair and it would take forever to grow back. And I never looked back until 2012. At the time the pixie cut trend was starting to really take off and I got more "do it, you'll love it," comments than "you'll look horrible." When I cut my hair everyone thought it was fabulous--or at least that's what they told me. If I got any negative comments, it was via street harassment and gay slurs. It was interesting to note how people, or at least half the population, seemed to associate my hairstyle with my sexuality without knowing anything particular about me. It was even more interesting to hear so many people ask if I was ever going to let my hair grow out again, as I've kept it short for two years. I know these are innocent and well-meaning questions, but it's probably not a question Mitch Hedberg's hypothetical long-haired cake-eater would field. People would probably instead want to know when he was going to cut it off, make it more sophisticated, and, ultimately, more like a gentleman.


That doesn't happen to me very often. But when most women cut their hair drastically short, their sanity is questioned. It's happened to me the last two times I changed my hairstyle. People commented that I must have had a hard day, or that something terrible happened in my life to make an extreme change. Frankly, I change my hair so drastically because it's one of the few things I can. But a recent blog post has been making the rounds regarding women with short hair and their chances of ending up alone romantically. All because their short hair shouted to the world that they are unstable and self-harming. Yes. It must be from all the sleep they're getting from not having to slave over their long locks anymore!


It's a sad state, here in 2014, that a haircut can hold so much value. Yes, some cultures cut their hair in mourning or for work-related reasons. But the stereotypes I mentioned earlier, where the mothers are "sacrificing" themselves? They don't have to be pretty for anyone but themselves. And it's okay if they don't always succeed because they're human! Humans have faults and shortcomings. And hair is hair! It'll grow out and without long-term damage in most occasions. But the way someone chooses to cut their hair is only expressive of their personality and it's not indicative of a man's drug use any more than it's indicative of a woman's stability.

"Gender Notions" by Dalia Gonzalez | "The Problem with Sexy Costumes"

"The Problem with Sexy Costumes"



Somewhere along the road of life I began dreading dressing up. I know that it wasn't always like that. I remember enjoying the idea of going shoe shopping and slipping into a new pair of patent leather ultra-shiny Mary Janes that still clacked like I had heels on. I begged, like most little girls do, to play with makeup when my cousins started using it. But I stopped caring about dressing up around the time when it really mattered to the rest of society. And it's not that I became a slob, I was just … a tween. I was still fashionable, but I cared less about being flashy. Maybe it was teenage awkwardness, maybe it was depression, maybe it was something else. But what bothered me the most is that somehow dress slacks and a button-down shirt weren't enough for dressing up anymore. It needed to be a skirt, or a dress and that show dog look in which I didn't feel comfortable. I started to feel like a show dog. If I wanted to be presentable, I had to spend hours on my hair, buy new clothes, put on layers of makeup (that wasn't supposed to itch, I'd later find out! Allergies are fun.), and more. For someone like me, if I'm not from sleep to door in thirty minutes it's too long to be spending on my look and not worth it. I stopped caring, and then stopped doing, anything that involved dressing up past my comfort zone and patience level. I felt like a commodity.




Women are always told to dress up, shave, make-up their face, slim down, smile while walking in the street, etc. It's part of the horrible way we treat women differently than men, as pleasure objects. And it fails to recognize that women are individuals that aren't all the same and don't all like the same sort of clothing. To make this seasonal, let's look at Halloween costumes. Although I've seen many an article deriding "sexy" costumes, I think they're fun for women and girls who want to celebrate Halloween while not being draped in "unflattering" fabric--although goofy costumes are part of the fun of Halloween, in my opinion. The problem lies in denying women the option in their own sizes. If you don't want your cleavage popping out of a dress as a woman, you have to buy the men's costumes. But the men's costumes are sized for men, not women so parts of the costume--especially in those "costume-in-a-bag" costumes--won't fit. And the problem runs deeper when you look at young children's costumes and their insistence that even early on in their lives, girls are made to be pretty and not manly or even plain funny. There's an official Spider-Man costume called "Spider Girl" that looks nothing like a female version of Spider-Man or, if you want to get specific, the costumed hero whose name actually is Spider Woman. Instead, the costume features a skirt instead of pants for little wanna-be superheroines. There's even an all-pink version. I recently saw a blog post article on how to make a bow and arrow for a Halloween costume for boys that suggested painting it black, but linked to an alternate girl version that featured gold glitter and pastel pink.



Why can't parents accept that girls may want their bow to look as manly and real in black? Why, when a little girl wants to dress up as Batman, is the instinct is to get the "Batgirl" costume? Part of the fun of Halloween is being something you aren't for the other 365 days of the year. Maybe that's a "sexy" librarian. But maybe it's He-Man or Super Mario. What is the fear behind letting girls be what they want and not always the sexy whatever that the costume industry tells you to! Why is being sexy and pretty so important when it comes to western women that we exclude them from the silly costumes that would cultivate their sense of humor and eventually show the world that women can be funny, too? Recently there's been lots of articles stating that women can't be funny or can't headline action movies. If women weren't so conditioned to look appealing to men at all times, maybe they'd be free to cultivate other talents.

"Gender Notions" by Dalia Gonzalez | "What matters most?"

"What matters most?"

When I was growing up, I prided myself on waltzing right into the toy store and marching straight past the bright pink Barbie aisle, past the purple and faded pink doll aisle and proudly plopping myself down in the bright blue Hot Wheels and action figure section. I was raised with the idea that girls could do anything they wanted. We could wear pants OR dresses! Play with dolls OR action figures! Play sports OR sit in the corner reading! And I was very proud of shoving my preference for action figures in everyone's faces. I was that obnoxious kid, but only with my toys. When the big name toy store near me brought in demo versions of video game stations, I always jumped at the chance to take on a teen boy in a fighting or racing game. I knew my limitations--I was horrible at sports of any kind, regardless of the degree of reality involved--but I loved being the girl to not only show up, then know what she was doing, but also finally beat my opponent with room to spare in any game. I can't say what it did for my opponent's esteem, but it raised mine by a lot.

I loved many video game series growing up. I was (and still am) a Legend of Zelda fan foremost. I love adventure and action and puzzles the most. Racing was great fun, especially with karting series that would, essentially, allow you to cheat and one-up your opponents. I was gifted Grand Theft Auto III for my sixteenth birthday and fell in love with the open world aspect of the game. I have played every iteration of the series since, up to GTAIV. Adult life has intervened too much for me to touch GTAV, but it's on my bucket list. And although I can't speak for GTAV, I will defend that series along with others as games that should be played by mature people, regardless of numerical age. Because the game is not the sex worker whack-a-mole the media portrays it as, but it's also not for people without ties to reality or high levels of maturity. Even as an adult I have feelings of disgust while playing the more realistic missions in the game. But my point isn't that the world is going to hell in a hand basket because of a few video games.

Because while parents today seem much more lenient with children who self-identify as gay, lesbian, gender-queer, or even as the sex opposite the one they were assigned at birth (identifying with the sex you were given at birth is known as being cissexual, identifying otherwise is transgender), there are viral videos where little girls go into long tirades in the middle of the "girl" aisle about why all the "girly" stuff is pink (I've been there, little Riley), mothers write to toy oven companies to ask if they could perhaps manufacture an oven for aspiring little boy chefs, and large toy store corporations make the news for doing away with the "boy" and "girl" aisle banners. The point of young Riley's rant isn't the color, but when did the color of our toys become more important that the content? I grew up with non-violent games for the most part. Fighting games and beat 'em ups and commando games, sure. But a fighting game that featured blood or gore was out of the question. People are more keen today to worry about whether their child is slightly less than heterosexual than taking the time to see if what they're playing with is actually age appropriate. That famous, monumental speech of Dr. King's mentions judging based on the content of our character, not our skin color. And we're still fighting for that, even in 2013. But when our own children are refused harmless (to an extent, I've heard stories) toy ovens and dolls because they are "meant" for the other sex, we're not advancing humankind. When parents give their children a violent video game because they assume all video games are still pong, it's not helping our future.

The American government recently went into shutdown over the proposed new health care system under Obama. We live in a world where even the government would rather point fingers than try to solve gun crime or pay severely underpaid "non-essential" jobs. And instead of rioting or protesting, people take to social media and make jokes. I think it's sort of ridiculous, but only because it's something that we have the power to change, if only to make the world a better place. I can't remember the last time I saw a parent actively taking part in their kids' enjoyment of a book at a library, or not looking at their phone while their children ran around at a park. Broader minds can only help us as a country. Just look at our government!

"Gender Notions" by Dalia Gonzalez | The Voice of a Woman

I expected that I would eventually mention a transgender situation in this column. However, I didn't expect it to be so early on. This month I wanted to look at the media's handling of Chelsea Manning. This story has been troubling. Or rather, the handling of it in mainstream media has been troubling. And whatever you think of Manning's trial or the reason she was on trial (for leaking military information to WikiLeaks that led to public embarrassment of US military), there isn't an excuse for the way her transition (what it's called when someone starts living as the gender they feel they are, rather than the sex they were born with) played out in the news. Some news outlets have been fumbling over themselves to be respectful and using female pronouns, as she asked. But some, like Fox News, mocked her announcement and continued to call her Bradley Manning. Although yes, there is potential to be awkward in coverage, that fact is more shameful in and of itself than the actuality of a national television embarrassment. A simple Google search will bring up countless articles the trans community has created to make news situations like this less covered in derogatory phrases and words. And while it's a learning experience, it doesn't have to be a large learning curve unless you make it one.

But let's put aside pronouns and genders and trials and courtrooms for a second and focus on the why. Was anything Private Manning said before this announcement ever scoffed at? During the trial was anything she said mocked in the news? For as much as local news has been about the royal baby and other high profile cases, when it came to the Manning trial reporters were earnest. Bemused looks and mockery only surfaced with reports of Manning's transition announcement. Some coverage made the announcement out to be a scandal of sorts. People resorted to jokes about her life in prison and the validity of her statements; as if being transgender was a choice or disorder and it was a publicity stunt to get a lesser charge. But are these valid reactions? What about being a woman is so incredulous? What is so shocking about femininity? When Chaz Bono transitioned to male, the reporters were borderline respectful, as though wanting to be a man was more acceptable. And it is, in this world where "man" and male pronouns are still the default when discussing abstract concepts and "mixed company".

The alternative to these words is a matter of much debate and topic for another day. But you can't have equality when people are being judged for expressing themselves harmlessly. Or when people are shocked at female pop stars for being raunchy at award shows where raunch is awarded but say nothing to the males around them on stage. Or when women don't have a say in their own bodies, and are judged for not wearing one article of clothing or another. Women's thoughts and decisions need to be just as respected as men's decisions. Chelsea Manning has every right to her own life path and to speak her mind using her own words. Being transgender does not make her lesser of a woman and it doesn't make her any less valid. The essence of being transgender is not a disorder or a choice. This world could be so much better if we worked on accepting every difference between the genders and the spectrum. And while everyone has some gender bias, we can all work to lessen the amount of bias and ignorance we have.

That is a choice. And it's one worth making.

"Gender Notions" by Dalia Gonzalez | Skirting the Issue?

"Gender Notions" by Dalia Gonzalez | Skirting the Issue?

In New York City, we're just getting over a heatwave. In the past I've had male-bodied friends tell me I was lucky because, as a female-bodied person, I "could wear a skirt." Now, I don't like skirts. I wore them when I needed to in private school, but I feel much more free--and cool--in long pants. I'll wear a skirt if I have to, but I always feel more formal in a skirt. It's always a days-in-the-making decision to wear a skirt because of the social stigma that women still face regarding unshaved legs. I am not one of those women who chucked away the razor forever, although all the more power to them. I'm just lazy about it, sometimes.

I cut my hair last year (hair…on my head, if that wasn't clear) and have kept it short because caring for it is easier now. I will go to great lengths not to spend more time on preening. And though the new trend is maxi skirts, I've always been more about bohemian-style skirts and those are long too. I know what you're thinking: "But maxi skirts can hide your legs!" Not when you're a leg crosser like me! What I'm saying is skirts are more work than they're worth sometimes. Yeah, they might feel like they keep you cooler, but at what cost?!

But men don't have to deal with that. There's no social stigma for male-bodied people to worry about body hair for the most part. It might even work in reverse for some men who aren't hairy enough! But it's not socially acceptable for men to wear skirts unless that skirt is actually a kilt; and even then, they have to either be Scottish or Kanye West. And that second one is still debatable and fodder for cultural appropriation columns, and something I will not get into here. However, I will say that the equality of the sexes has a very long way to go. And while no one wants to hear that men need to be given more freedoms ("they already run everything, why do they need more?" "how about women catch up with their freedoms before we hand out any more?"), I think in this instance they do. Women can--and do--already wear typically men's clothes (suits, sneakers, pants, ties, suspenders, jeans) without being seen, for the most part, as a lesser woman. Gone are the days when women who wore pants or even jeans were ostracized. I think the same time has come for men.

In Sweden, train conductors were forbidden to wear shorts on the job and men started coming to work in skirts. That made international headlines this year. It was a hilarious comment on men beating the system. But why is something like that considered funny? Why is a man in a skirt still funnier in 2013 than a woman in pants? Where are we in the fight for equality that a hint of femininity in the most basic of expression--fashion--is cause for laughter? Just because they want to be as cool, temperature-wise, as female-bodied or female-presenting people? Those Swedes aren't trying to express their gender in an alternate way than what society deems appropriate, although that would be less of a problem in Sweden, one of the top countries for gender neutrality, one which only recently added a gender-neutral pronoun to their national encyclopedia. If that's still making headlines in Sweden, we have a very long way to go. I look forward to a time when I can wear my pants, smooth legs or not, and a man on the subway can wear a skirt and not also have a bagpipe on his shoulder or shutter shades on his face.


But just remember to keep your legs shut. Shaved or not, no one needs that on their daily commute!